Mmmmmmm, dishes!

After a long day of bullshit at the office, your man wants to come home and relax. He doesn't want to hear your bitching and whining. The best way to start and end his day is with some devoted suction. Get on your knees and thank the man who protects you at night.

Don't just use your teeth and ruin it by turning it into a cheese grating contest. Get the job done right with some pro tips. The best way to keep his eyes off his secretary's ass is to keep them glued to the top of your bobbing head.

His cock isn't going to suck itself!

The Art of The Blowjob

Blowjobs can be given before your man sleeps, when he wakes up, when he takes a shower, and after every meal. The great thing about blowjobs is that if you're too lazy to have regular sex, you can just get on your knees and suck away.

The perfect way you can greet your man after he comes home from his job that keeps the roof over your head is to smile lovingly, stare up at him while you get on your knees, and suck like it's the 7-11 Slurpee Olympics.

Also it's very important to make sure his balls are proerly taken care of. Don't just wait for him to ask. Take an active hand in making sure his balls are properly drained.

Disclaimer: You should suck according to your man's wishes even if it contradicts this list.

Blowjob Basics


1. Look up at him into his eyes. This is key.

The eyes are the most expressive part of the body. They add a whole new dimension of sensuality to the blowjob. Don't be one of those lazy whores who has to be told over and over to look up.

2. Use your lips:

Brushing your lips across his cock isn't the most intense sensation you can give him, but again, this is about the sensual appeal. Use your lips as foreplay. Start by kissing every inch of the penis and balls. When the actual sucking begins make sure that you occasionally brush the head across your lips like so.

3. Use your tongue:

Many women complain about their jaw gets tired from "blowing". Swishing your tongue back and forth underneath his shaft provides an easy alternative to chronic lockjaw. Use your hand to jerk him off by mimicking the pressure of your pussy. Yes, even with blowjobs, learning to work smarter not harder still applies (but definitely work hard).

4. Make it wet:

If his tool isn't glistening like a popsickle, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Every second of the job his tool should be cleaned and well oiled.

5. Proper Attitude:

A willing-to-do-anything-to-please-him attitude is the most effective strategy you can bring to a blowjob. If this is missing, it doesn't matter your sucking technique puts Jenna Jameson to shame. A bad attitude is like cold water to a happy boner. This will cause him to fuck your hotter sister. Your submissive attitude should carry into everything, especially blowjobs, as it's your best defense against infidelity.

6. Put your best ball forward:

The balls are commonly referred to as the step-children because lazy whores don't give them any attention. Make sure you worship them like a pair of twin phoenixes rising from the ashes of Boxer Island. Your man's balls are the reason you exist! Keep this in mind when fatigue sets in and you feel like giving up. Never leave a ball on the field of battle.


1. Toothjobs:

Don't bite the dick, you dumb whore. Don't treat your man's penis as if you were Rosie O'Donnel fighting over a Dodger dog.

2. Never complain:

The best way to prevent a well-deserved backhand is to keep your mouth shut. Or in this case, full.

Advanced Techniques

1. Deepthroat:

If you can't deepthroat, fear not. Your man will be more than happy to let you practice. Throwing up is always a risk. Believe it or not guys actually like it when you have a gag reflex. Like most English chaps, they enjoy a spot of tea and a hint of choking. If there's a string of saliva that connects the cock to your lips, it's a good sign.

2. Grapefruit Attack:

Blowjob Accessories

1. Pop rocks:

These are a nice little accessory to your everyday blowjob. They pop in your mouth and add a new tingly sensation to his cock.

2. Certs:

Go easy on these little devils. The mint in your mouth will increase the overall sensitivity of the cock and add a new level of pleasure to task.

3. Ice:

Warning: may cause happiness.